I can tell that the First Day of School is drawing very near when my Facebook newsfeed starts to fill with posts from teacher-friends about sleepless nights and reoccurring nightmares. I myself have been dreaming the same nightmare for the past two or three days… I keep dreaming that I lose my cool in the middle of a class after engaging with disruptive students. I scream and yell to make myself heard, but the class just laughs at me. The weight of the humiliation and embarrassment wakes me up, and I end up tossing and turning for the rest of the night.
During my summer break, I picked up and read “The Courage to Teach” by Parker J. Palmer. The first chapter strongly resonated with me, especially the part where he talked about how good teaching is not all about technique, but rather the identity and integrity of the teacher. Many teachers pursue this career because they are passionate about making connections. However, somewhere along the line, they become disconnected as a way to protect themselves from their nightmares.
My teaching experience last year was a lot like that. I closed myself off from my students because there was too much for me to deal with at work. I was stressed and unable to joke around, or share funny anecdotes. I tried to be more authoritarian and it made for a miserable environment for everyone. This year, I look forward to another chance to turn things around. I want to create a happier learning environment by being the person I am, and not who I think I should be.
‘Be not afraid’ does not mean that we should not have fears. Instead, it says that we do not need to be our fears. – Parker J. Palmer
As a teacher, I have a million fears. I am afraid of not being prepared, of losing things, or a lesson plan that did not go as planned. I am afraid of forgetting my schedule, or being laughed at by students, just like in my nightmares. I understand now though that this is part of being a teacher. I have to put myself out there for my students. I have to accept that I can only do my best each and every day; accept that sometimes things will not happen as planned; and try not to berate myself for the things I was unable to do. So tonight, I am going to dream good things about the year ahead. Tomorrow, my students and I will have a great First Day of School.
